Eddie Walker

THE PREFACE:

Ahhhhh...the depravity of man...Nothing brightens my day more than witnessing man's primal state...Essentially we are animals...We are hungry, so we eat...We are tired, so we sleep...We have a desire to procreate, so we shag...Honestly, does it get more basic? The first two aspects of this primal state are very boring...It's this last one that I find the most intriguing...Especially for men. Men have an insatiable appetite for sex. It's uncanny. Men want to spread their seed on as much acreage as possible. Whether the land is fertile or infertile is of little consequence.

What on earth am I talking about? I experience a rare pleasure in my line of work. Everyday I have to make a couple of trips up to the O.R. Here I receive specimens that will need to be processed in the gross room. Typically I receive a few breasts, a uterus, lots of gallbladders, etc. This stuff is boring. You've seen one cancer ridden colon, you've seen 'em all. The diamond in the rough...the "Foreign Body."

When I see these words placed snugly together on the plastic container...my heart leaps for joy...Since I abhor Christmas, this is the event that most closesly resembles the anticipation and excitement I once had for receiving gifts. And much like Christmas I get to open a little container and marvel at the contents. However, in this case the container's label gives me a nice clue. Now a "foreign body" is anything foreign to the body...Pretty self-explanatory. This can range from a nail in the foot to a shard of wood in the leg. Still, this is nothing to write home about (or on the blog as the case may be).

Needless to say I don't wait until I return to the gross room to open the container. I open it in the hallway of the O.R. If the contents of the container are worth blogging about-I run down the hall as giddy as a school girl who just found out that her crush is crushing back.

Case in point-Saturday...So a typical day at work (or atypical if you place those two words snugly together). I go to the O.R. On my arrival those marvelous words "Foreign Body" are written in a slightly legible script. I rip open the lid of the container to be struck by both awe and wonder of the contents and the unmistakable aroma. There before me...Roll-on deodorant with a condom fastened to the end (the condom is obviously for safe sex). You might be asking yourself...What?!

THE MERGING OF TWO THOUGHTS:

Yes ladies and gentleman...Household products can be used as sex toys. It's really quite a shame that these products are abused in such a fashion, however, the imagination and ingenuity that these men have is nothing short of...I don't know what. These types of "foreign bodies" only come from men...Why? Possible conclusions: women are not nearly as desperate for sex...they don't suffer severely from their primal urges...they're not as creative...they're not as stupid...or maybe it's just easier for them to get laid.

Nevertheless, since working at the hospital I have received a couple dildos, roll-on deodorant, a garden hose, a curling iron, a Maglite flashlight (the industrial version), and a piston (I think this was for a motorcycle). This laundry list is very impressive.

Why does this bring me so much joy you may ask? Because clearly there are people that are freakier than I am...And as far as embarrassing stories go, I will never have to call my best friend and say:

"Hey dude, I need you to take me to the hospital because my hunger has once again got the best of me. I had just jumped out of the shower and decided that I needed a snack. I ran to the kitchen and in my haste I had forgotten that I had just waxed the floors. I quickly pulled the crisper drawer open and was rummaging around for some hearty cellulose to keep me regular...When all of a sudden...I slipped and fell on this cucumber..."

Anyways, I think it is important to find at least one thing you love about your job...Just to let you all know...the patient had the roll-on deodorant so far up his rectum that the surgeons had to perform a laparotomy. That means that they had to open him up (cut open his abdomen) and remove the foreign body. Who's job is as cool as that?

My vocation allows me plenty of time to sit and converse with The Wretched Nature of Humanity (what a long name...poor bastard). He softly sips his tea. Raises his eyes to meet mine and then coolly inquires, "What else do you do with household products that can no longer perform their intended tasks?" Clearly stumped, I simply respond with a shrug of the shoulders...I suppose this is ONE way to conserve on waste...

posted by Unknown @ 8:16 PM