Eddie Walker

GREAT NEWS!!!! I would have blogged about this earlier, but I have been incredibly busy and have not had the time nor the energy to sit down and dispense the great news I received late Monday night. As I was finishing my latest blog I received a notice that I had a new email message. On completion of the blog I checked my email to find a terrific gift. It was an email from Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia...I have my first interview on Jan. 12...Needless to say...(that's a funny phrase...it's needless, but I like the sound of my own voice so I'll say it anyway) I am very excited...This has been the first news I have received on any of my secondaries so I hope this is the first of many more interviews...We'll see what happens, but thanks for the prayers and keep 'em comin'.

posted by Unknown @ 9:39 AM 7 comments

THE PREFACE:

Ahhhhh...the depravity of man...Nothing brightens my day more than witnessing man's primal state...Essentially we are animals...We are hungry, so we eat...We are tired, so we sleep...We have a desire to procreate, so we shag...Honestly, does it get more basic? The first two aspects of this primal state are very boring...It's this last one that I find the most intriguing...Especially for men. Men have an insatiable appetite for sex. It's uncanny. Men want to spread their seed on as much acreage as possible. Whether the land is fertile or infertile is of little consequence.

What on earth am I talking about? I experience a rare pleasure in my line of work. Everyday I have to make a couple of trips up to the O.R. Here I receive specimens that will need to be processed in the gross room. Typically I receive a few breasts, a uterus, lots of gallbladders, etc. This stuff is boring. You've seen one cancer ridden colon, you've seen 'em all. The diamond in the rough...the "Foreign Body."

When I see these words placed snugly together on the plastic container...my heart leaps for joy...Since I abhor Christmas, this is the event that most closesly resembles the anticipation and excitement I once had for receiving gifts. And much like Christmas I get to open a little container and marvel at the contents. However, in this case the container's label gives me a nice clue. Now a "foreign body" is anything foreign to the body...Pretty self-explanatory. This can range from a nail in the foot to a shard of wood in the leg. Still, this is nothing to write home about (or on the blog as the case may be).

Needless to say I don't wait until I return to the gross room to open the container. I open it in the hallway of the O.R. If the contents of the container are worth blogging about-I run down the hall as giddy as a school girl who just found out that her crush is crushing back.

Case in point-Saturday...So a typical day at work (or atypical if you place those two words snugly together). I go to the O.R. On my arrival those marvelous words "Foreign Body" are written in a slightly legible script. I rip open the lid of the container to be struck by both awe and wonder of the contents and the unmistakable aroma. There before me...Roll-on deodorant with a condom fastened to the end (the condom is obviously for safe sex). You might be asking yourself...What?!

THE MERGING OF TWO THOUGHTS:

Yes ladies and gentleman...Household products can be used as sex toys. It's really quite a shame that these products are abused in such a fashion, however, the imagination and ingenuity that these men have is nothing short of...I don't know what. These types of "foreign bodies" only come from men...Why? Possible conclusions: women are not nearly as desperate for sex...they don't suffer severely from their primal urges...they're not as creative...they're not as stupid...or maybe it's just easier for them to get laid.

Nevertheless, since working at the hospital I have received a couple dildos, roll-on deodorant, a garden hose, a curling iron, a Maglite flashlight (the industrial version), and a piston (I think this was for a motorcycle). This laundry list is very impressive.

Why does this bring me so much joy you may ask? Because clearly there are people that are freakier than I am...And as far as embarrassing stories go, I will never have to call my best friend and say:

"Hey dude, I need you to take me to the hospital because my hunger has once again got the best of me. I had just jumped out of the shower and decided that I needed a snack. I ran to the kitchen and in my haste I had forgotten that I had just waxed the floors. I quickly pulled the crisper drawer open and was rummaging around for some hearty cellulose to keep me regular...When all of a sudden...I slipped and fell on this cucumber..."

Anyways, I think it is important to find at least one thing you love about your job...Just to let you all know...the patient had the roll-on deodorant so far up his rectum that the surgeons had to perform a laparotomy. That means that they had to open him up (cut open his abdomen) and remove the foreign body. Who's job is as cool as that?

My vocation allows me plenty of time to sit and converse with The Wretched Nature of Humanity (what a long name...poor bastard). He softly sips his tea. Raises his eyes to meet mine and then coolly inquires, "What else do you do with household products that can no longer perform their intended tasks?" Clearly stumped, I simply respond with a shrug of the shoulders...I suppose this is ONE way to conserve on waste...

posted by Unknown @ 8:16 PM 3 comments

Well all the letters are out...that's a nice relief...hopefully I'll hear some good news soon. I still haven't heard news at all, but I am hoping that something will come along, preferably an interview. Other than that...work is crazy...Today we were one person short, so I had to oscillate between Cytology and Pathology. Thankfully we made it through.

I am learning a lot, which is good. It's pretty difficult not to learn something new everyday when I am working side-by-side with the pathologists. Early this week I was able to take a good look at Necrotizing faciitis. That was pretty cool. I had to be very careful...After working in the lab for a period of time you acquire a lackadaisical attitude towards formalin, blood, colon juice, pap smear fluid (cytorich and that other stuff), TB, etc...So this bacteria was a reminder to be a little more careful...

On a side note...There are many classes that I feel qualified to teach...One of them being, Elevator Etiquette.

When an individual has a cart stacked full of placentas and needs to get off of the elevator, do not force yourself into the confined space. This will only piss the pathology assistant off. Wait for those who are on the elevator to get off before you get on.

-Women- When a man holds the door open for you...say, "thank you." Contrary to popular belief it is not the duty of every man to open the door for you or make your life easier. Simply brushing by the gentleman is grounds for getting the door slammed on your ass.

This is simply an introductory course. For only $19.95 you can have the complete video library that gets into greater detail about Elevator Etiquette. If all else fails I am always available for tutoring. Call me at 1-800-Don't-be-an-idiot.

Thanks for all the prayers...

posted by Unknown @ 8:24 PM 4 comments

This was an email that I sent to a bunch of people...I am sure if you are reading this you probably have already received the email, nevertheless...this is all that's really significant right now.

Hello CATHOLIC (meaning Universal) church!!!! I am giving a little update on my life since I haven’t done so in a while…I have been very busy working at the hospital and haven’t had the time (really the energy) to write. First, an apology to all of my friends and family that have sent emails and have not received a response. I just wanted to let everyone know that I only have two secondary applications left to send out…This is pretty exciting, however, I am growing very impatient and fearful of what the future may hold…If all of you could simply remember me in your prayers that would be wonderful…I appreciate all of the love and support that I have received thus far…If you could simply pray for God’s Peace, Love, and Joy to surround me during this time that would be more than sufficient. I am having an incredibly difficult time remaining at peace….Every day I am anticipating an offer for an interview…it’s very difficult to remain settled when I have received nothing yet. It’s also been very frustrating because one of the individuals that was supposed to send out my letter of recommendation has not done it, though he was informed nearly 5 months ago…You can imagine my frustration…Nevertheless, God is good…

“I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together.” Psalm 34:1-3

Regardless of the outcome may God be glorified and may I be accepting of His good, pleasing, and perfect will…

posted by Unknown @ 11:47 AM 1 comments

WELCOME!!!! Welcome to Loserville, population...me. As sole proprietor of Loserville I would like to welcome the unfortunate pilgrim who wanders unknowingly into the barren boondocks I affectionately call "home." I was lucky enough to ascertain this position through my squatting capability. Quite impressive...I know. Much like those Oklahoma Sooners...(Who likes that state anyways?) It is my lifelong ambition to graduate from this small township and receive an opportunity to govern Loserdom...This would be a major promotion. Though this sounds amazing, it's not. I am way overqualified for this position and have extensive experience that overshadows that of any competitor. Let's run down my resume... In fact I happen to have a copy right here:

Objective:

To completely isolate from myself social contact through working all of the time. To have a kingdom void of any residents.

Qualifications:

-Spent all of college in a dorm room with my nose in the books.
-Currently spend a min. of 50 hours a week in the hospital and a min. of 10 hrs. a week on the bus.
-Spend my Friday and Saturday nights blogging.

This is still a work in progress, but I think that it's a pretty good start. I am sure that I could come up with some more if I had the time. However, I don't want to disrupt my 9 p.m. bed time. Constructing clever quips (redundance...the story of my life) and tales that include an exciting life rely on lots of sleep...dreaming of better times gives me a great foundation to develop this crap...

Any news other than the aforementioned? Loserville headlines state that all is quiescent in this township...Until next time...When the news is the same and Where the plains remain plain...

posted by Unknown @ 8:20 PM 0 comments